You and Tequila
by AlinaLotus
Summary: And it's a circle, going around and around. She takes another shot of tequila, the burn of it against her throat not unlike the blister of his touch.


**Warnings are sexual situations and language.**

**x indicates flashbacks. **

_'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy_

_Run like poison in my blood_

_One more night could kill me, baby_

_One is one too many, one more is never enough_

_When it comes to you_

_Oh, the damage I could do_

_It's always your favorite sins_

_That do you in_

_'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy_

_Run like poison in my blood_

_One more night could kill me, baby_

_One is one too many, one more is never enough_

_Never enough..._

She feels the sun on her face before she opens her eyes. She tries to remember what day it is, but her head is pounding and her mouth is dry, her stomach churning, and she doesn't remember the last time she ate but that's probably a good thing. She never was a fan of throwing up much.

Her alarm goes off, the damned thing perched on the edge of the coffee table, and she makes a blind swipe at it before finally opening her eyes. Her body is stiff, but she can't tell if it's because she passed out and slept for hours in one position or if it's because the quality of her sofa isn't the greatest. Flea markets don't usually have much to offer in terms of comfort, and apprentice of the Hokage or not, Sakura had to make the choice of a cheap price over anything else for her living room furniture.

A sharp pain shoots through her head as she remembers she has a perfectly good bed down the hall- one of the few things she actually put money into, saving up two A-rank mission paychecks for the soft mattress and cherry wood frame. But she hasn't slept in her bed for weeks now, actually hasn't gone in her bedroom if she can help it.

"Oh gods..." Sakura moans, as her alarm bleeps louder. She opens her eyes, blearily looking around and trying to get her bearings. The clock reads eight AM, which means she isn't technically late yet, but she should've been out the door ten minutes ago. Tsunade's patience with her is running pretty thin, and her continual lateness won't be tolerated much longer. It isn't as if she's Kakashi, and this sort of behavior isn't acceptable from her.

Kakashi.

A flash of him before her eyes, mask pooled around his neck, his defined jaw line beneath her fingers, his slight stubble scratchy against her skin, but not in an unpleasant way...pure fire in the pit of her stomach as he presses her against the wall, her body throbbing with want...

"Fuck!" Sakura cries out, picking up the alarm and hurling it across the room. It shatters against the wall, the noise doing nothing to improve her headache. And even though she's more hungover than she's ever been, even though she knows it's a horrible idea, Sakura stumbles into the kitchen, reaches blindly into the liquor cabinet, and pulls all the blinds in the apartment down. She's in semi-darkness, her hand curled around a bottle of tequila. She sinks back down on the sofa, pulling the thin blanket over her head.

Sure it's stupid, but it beats the memories, beats the crushing rejection and the overwhelming need for him. Sakura squeezes her eyes shut against the tears (and she's so fucking ashamed that anybody can affect her this way, that she cut her heart out of her chest and handed it over so freely) And it's a circle, going around and around. She takes another shot of tequila, the burn of it against her throat not unlike the blister of his touch.

**oooo**

"This is getting ridiculous." Tsunade swings her chair around to face Shizune. "It's been weeks and she isn't back to normal. I thought..." She pauses, sighing, "well, I thought she was stronger."

"I seem to recall _somebody_ going through a similar stage when a certain uncle of mine was briefly dating another woman." Shizune says, an eyebrow raised.

Tsunade glares for a moment, a small smile breaking out over her face. "Well, he couldn't do much dating to some bitch who had an entire side of her body shattered, now could he?"

Shizune rolls her eyes. "Should I send somebody over to her? I'm starting to worry."

Tsunade considers this for a moment, then shakes her head. "No...let her wallow for a while. But get Hatake in here. _Now_."

Shizune nods once and leaves the office, shutting the door behind her. Tsunade stands and goes to the windows, surveying the village with a grimace on her face. "I thought you'd at least be stronger than me, Sakura." She mutters, shaking her head.

**oooo**

Kakashi is rarely an early-riser. He'd rather stay up all night instead of having to get up early, and maybe that was a good excuse once, but lately he's been finding sleep harder and harder to pursue. There's a tick in his brain, a nervous prickle that never leaves the back of his neck. He's a fucking idiot and he knows exactly why he's feeling this way, why he's always annoyed with everybody around him and why he can never get any pleasure, any release, from his usual round of casuals.

It's all because he gave in, let his weakness take over and he crossed the line that he swore to himself he never would. Yeah, he wants her, even now...especially now. He's chained himself to her, and any other woman is just a joke, is just an imitation, and a shit one at that. He's had the real thing, a real woman, a woman of pure strength and desire and fuck him if Sakura isn't everything he's ever wet dreamed about.

So when Shizune finds him on the balcony of his apartment, she isn't surprised to see the deep lines under his eyes, or the empty beer bottles lined up on the top of the railing. It's almost as if she expected to find him in such a state, but her face doesn't reveal sympathy or judgement.

"She wants to see you." Shizune says, her keen eyes taking in his exhaustive state.

Kakashi shrugs. "Later. Maybe."

"She isn't in a later kind of mood, Kakashi."

"If it's about Sakura- " And he pauses, her name coming out choked because even the connotation of her on the tip of his tongue is almost too much to take.

"I'm just the messenger. But if I have to I'll call in for somebody to escort you. I'm not playing nice here."

Kakashi nods, and Shizune immediately turns, Kakashi following after her. This alone is what makes Shizune worry the most, because Kakashi is never really a cooperative guy, and he hates being bossed around, even by the Hokage, and for him to come along so quietly is unnerving. Could his relationship with Sakura really affect him so much? After knowing Kakashi for many years, she knows how much he likes his women, but he likes his women to be dispensable, a dime a dozen and nothing special.

It looked as though he'd finally found the one that he couldn't dismiss, the one that was unique and had left an impression on him.

And it looked as though she was the one he wouldn't let himself have.

**oooo**

It's early evening when Sakura wakes up, rain pattering on the roof. The smell of it is all around her, and suddenly her skin is too hot, her apartment stifling and suffocating. She can't get out fast enough, and doesn't bother with a jacket or her sandals. It's not like she can feel anything, anyway.

She walks, and walks, and doesn't notice anything but the drip of water on her skin, pouring from the ends of her hair. The village is nearly deserted, all kids kept out of the storm by their mothers, the shop fronts empty and closed up until the storm passes.

"Sakura?"

Sakura stiffens, turning, seeing Konohamaru standing there, that stupid scarf trailing behind him in the wind, and he reminds her so much of Naruto that she can hardly stand it. Naruto, her best friend, her brother in every way that matters, has been away on a mission with Sai, Hinata and Yamato for weeks now. Though he's usually more annoying than she can stand, at least for any lengthy periods, Sakura misses him, and Sai too; they've become more than teammates, and she's never realized how much she depends on their presence, especially now when her heart's gone.

"What're you..." Konohamaru trails off, looking down at Sakura's bare feet. They're raw and a little bloody, almost blue with cold. She looks really tired, and really weak, like maybe she hasn't been eating or sleeping and her clothes are dirty, her hair uncombed. Her eyes, which usually sparkle with life and confidence, are hollow. That's scary to him, because though Sakura is always some degree of scary, she looks defeated in every way and that's something he thought he'd never have to say about her.

"Hey." Sakura says, her voice strained and hoarse, as though she hasn't been using it much.

"You...you okay? Did you just get back from a mission?" It's the only explanation for why Sakura looks this way, like she's been chewed up and spit out by some savage beast.

Sakura blinks, looking at him blankly, like she doesn't understand the question. There's a crack of lightening, a boom of thunder not far behind.

"Do you want me to go get someone or..." Konohamaru looks up and down the street, hoping to recognize somebody. It's clear that Sakura needs help, but just what kind he isn't sure, and besides a genin has no right to try and tell a chunin what to do and how to take care of themselves.

"Maybe it's just time to start pretending that nothing ever happened between us...since it's so easy for him to." Sakura says after a moment, after another clap of thunder.

"Who are you...is this about Naruto? Did he kiss you? Oh geez, that kid! Or wait, you kissed him?"

Sakura almost smiles, then shakes her head. "You know, he used to be the only man I could trust. The only one who never left me." Sakura's shoulders hunch in on themselves, her voice cracking. "And now..." she takes a breath, and Konohamaru can see her shaking, though he's sure she isn't shivering from the cold. "Well. Now, I might as well not even exist. I wish I didn't exist."

"Hey now, c'mon! You're Sakura! The best kunoichi in the whole village, in the whole land of Fire!" Konohamaru exclaims, giving her a thumbs up, but she just stands still and he doesn't know if she heard him, but then she clutches at his shoulders, her empty eyes searching his. "It hurts to breathe, and..." There's another strike of lightning, and the rain starts to pour harder as the sound of the thunder drums around them.

Sakura tips her head up, releasing him. "You shouldn't be out in the rain." She pushes against him, sending him flying, and when he turns back to her, she's gone.

**oooo**

**x**

His lips pressed into hers with fervor, a pulse between them like she'd never felt before. His fingers, long and nimble, unzipped her top in a swift motion, and she scrambled to tug her skirt off, her bra and panties following quickly after. She lay there on her bed, completely naked, all for his eyes, and she felt the crest of his heat as he came to her, his Sharingan whirring as he looked her slowly up and slowly down.

"I feel like you're looking through me." She murmured as he hovered over her, leaning down so his mouth was against her neck.

"Am I making you nervous?" He asked, his teeth lightly scraping along her jugular. Sakura moaned, her back arching slightly as Kakashi ran his thumb along her inner thigh.

"Just self-conscious. But I don't care. I've wanted this for too long. Wanted you for too long." So maybe the bit of alcohol they'd had earlier had bolstered her courage, but she might as well run with it.

His eyes met hers and for a moment something passed in his face, something so tender and soft, something she'd never seen from him before. "I've wanted you, too." He shouldn't tell her she'd been in his dreams in wildly inappropriate ways for nearly a year now, that she's the only woman he's ever wanted to fuck that's actually meant something to him, too.

In all reality she was too smart to be doing this with him, somebody so tainted and impure. She was clean and untouched and should stay that way, but Sakura was also an anomaly to him, a woman unique and one he considers to be his equal. Sakura knew him better than almost anybody, knew he was an asshole in many regards, flawed and jagged, not quite whole, and she still wanted to be with him.

She was one of a kind, and he couldn't stop now even if he wanted to.

**x**

**oooo**

"Well what a damn shame." Tsunade says, drumming her fingers on her desktop.

"A pity really. Sorry." Kakashi agrees. He's hoping to wrap this up, hoping to give it another try, this distracting himself thing. He's sure he can find some woman to take home tonight, some easy catch with loose morals and one he'll have no problem kicking out of his apartment when the sun comes up.

"You know, it's kind of funny, because Sakura's been acting off her game for almost two weeks now, and it's really starting to get on my nerves. Something had to have happened to make her like this, and since you're the only one who's been around, I figure you have to know what it was. And yet you say that you're as oblivious as I am." The implications are loud and clear. Tsunade knows that he and Sakura had something going, that even before that disastrous night when he told his conscience to fuck off, their relationship had gone to levels far beyond friendship or comrades. She knows that whatever happened between them is what brought about the change in Sakura, and she blames him, wants him to take responsibility for it.

"Again, I apologize. I really don't know anything."

Tsunade glares at him for a moment, as though waiting for him to change his mind and tell her the truth, but he just stares at the floor and waits to be dismissed. "Get the hell out of my office." She finally seethes, and he turns to leave, stopping at the door as she speaks again.

"Remember the way she used to smile?"

Kakashi grimaces. He remembers. He sees her smile- bright, so full of life, before him. It was the kind of smile that made you feel like you were the only one in the room, like Sakura was looking only at you.

"If she never smiles like that again, Hatake, it's on your head." Tsunade's words are final and resounding, but he's heard them already, heard them a dozen times because he's said them to himself and he can never forget what he's done, and he can't fix it because the only way to do that would be to give in to the desire he can feel down to his cells, the desire to hold her whenever he wants and be the one she wakes up to every morning.

He's already done enough damage. He nods once, then leaves the office, making a beeline from the building to the nearest bar.

**oooo**

It's dark outside now, and Sakura knows that she's freezing, or that she should be. Mostly she's just numb, but it isn't a horrible feeling, no more horrible than what's raging inside her, so she keeps walking, and finds herself in an upscale district of the village, one with expensive dress shops and fancy restaurants with servers who bring you hot towels to wipe your hands on.

She's outside one of these restaurants, the window and doorway bordered with tiny twinkling lights. She glances inside, the place bustling with wealthy civilians. Her gaze catches on a table against the wall, a couple engrossed in each other. She can tell from here that they're in love, and the look on her face is pure hunger as she realizes this. She raises a hand to the glass window, and can't help the small smile the crosses her face as the man gently tucks a piece of hair behind the woman's ear, his fingers lingering at her cheek.

Kakashi used to touch her like that. She didn't appreciate it, then, didn't understand what it meant, but she does now and she would give anything to have those times back. To have him look at her like she was important, like she was something special to him. To hear the way her name sounded when breathed in the dark of her bedroom, his skin sliding against hers...

The memories are too much for her, too much for her to handle when her last drink was hours ago. So being drunk and hungover and drunk again isn't the healthiest cycle but it's the only one that helps her deal with the thoughts and besides, she's an adult now and if she wants to drink, she should be able to drink. She's old enough, seen enough, bled enough, to be able to handle anything.

It was just too bad this argument hadn't worked with Kakashi.

**oooo**

**x**

Her body was tired, but Kakashi held her firmly against him. She didn't think she could ever get enough of this, of him being so close and feeling every intimate part of him.

Her breathing began to slow, and she felt Kakashi slide his palms up the curve of her torso, coming to rest against her ribs. "You're so fucking beautiful." He said quietly, almost too quietly for her to hear.

"Then what took you so long?"

"It...it wouldn't have, if it had just been about you being beautiful, Sakura." Because where Sakura is concerned he couldn't care less, really, about how she looked. She was more than that, and he knew that even if she had been fifty pounds overweight with greasy hair, his feelings would be the same. She brought out the best parts in him, and yeah at first it had been a struggle, because she had, essentially, butt in to his life, but at the end of the day he was grateful that somebody so clever and funny and caring thought he was worth their time and effort.

Sakura grinned, rolling over to face Kakashi. They stared at each other like that, Kakashi finally closing the small gap between, kissing her long and slow and Sakura knew she'd never be able to pull herself from this moment, and surely not from this man. The sex had been thrilling, of course, and Kakashi made her writhe and want like she never had, but these moments were what true intimacy was about, and she'd never been able to have that before, never really wanted to.

She tipped her head against his chest, trying to match his breathing, and within minutes Sakura was drifting off into peaceful, warm sleep, her limbs tangled with Kakashi's and his scent everywhere, the sheets drenched in it. She'd probably never get the smell out of the room, which was fine with her; Kakashi's scent nearly made her weak at the knees.

"I should probably..." Sakura said sleepily, curling her fingers against Kakashi's taut stomach, "probably tell you..." Sakura yawned, and Kakashi smirked, knowing full well of Sakura's tendency to talk in her sleep. Actually, it made missions pretty entertaining, and he, Sai, and Naruto had more than their fair share of laughs on behalf of their female teammate.

"I love you." Sakura murmured, and Kakashi felt his heart clench, his eyes wide. It wasn't her words that surprised him. Most women said this after sex, and though he knew Sakura was sincere (which was in itself something more amazing and more terrifying than anything he knew), what he hadn't counted on was that he so easily returned her words. Not just that he wanted to, but that he actually did. He...he loved her. He wanted her and worried for her and felt connected to her in a way he never did with women. Women were toys to him, really, and it was despicable but he'd been that way his whole life. A few drinks, a nice dinner, and his easy charm, and he could bed any woman he wanted.

But this...this was new and something he wasn't too sure he was keen on. Attachments meant loss, meant that somebody had power over you and if he thought about it, if Sakura had asked that he cut off his arm, he would do it without question.

And the worst part, especially after almost losing her last year, was that he didn't entirely know if it was a bad thing.

**x**

**oooo**

Sakura is so tired. Not just from today, and only getting a few hours of sleep and not remembering when her last meal was, but she's tired from living and every movement is such an exertion.

She finds a bit of wet grass behind an arbor, lying flat on her back and watching the gray sky above her. Soon, small flakes of snow begin to fall, landing on her skin and her lips and if she had the strength she'd stick her tongue out, because when she was a kid she could do that for hours, just spread her arms out like they were wings, like she was going to fly off into the sky, and her mouth was open and waiting for the burning cold of the perfect flecks.

She closes her eyes, wondering how hard you have to wish for something before it comes true.

**oooo**

"AH! Naruto!" Konohamaru cries, rushing to the blur of orange he sees just inside the gate.

"Oh, hey Konohamaru. We're just about to see Granny, wanna come?" Naruto says, falling behind Sai and the others.

"I've been hoping you'd come back!" Konohamaru tugs on Naruto's arm, dragging him along the street.

"Hey what are you doing? We've got to report to Granny Tsunade or she'll kill me!"

"Will you shut up about that? It doesn't matter! Sakura- "

On hearing Sakura's name, Sai turns to them. "Sakura?"

"Yeah, now c'mon will ya? Geez!"

"What happened? Is she okay?" Naruto asks, raising a blond brow at the genin.

"I don't know what happened, but she isn't okay! I saw her today on the street, in the middle of the rain storm. She looked really tired and I don't think she's been eating, and she wasn't even wearing shoes!"

Naruto's jaw clenches. "Sai, you go to her apartment and see if she's home. Konohamaru, you go look for her. Here, take this. Shadow Clone Jutsu!" In a puff of smoke, an identical copy of himself appears beside Konohamaru. "Find Sakura!" He says to the clone, and he nods and takes off after Konohamaru.

"Right." Sai nods once. "And what about you?"

"I'm going to pay our old sensei a visit." Naruto says, his eyes flashing.

**ooooo**

Sakura can feel her breathing slow, deepen, even out. It's not so bad, she thinks, it's not so bad to be out here. She is cold and wet and probably hungry, but she knows it doesn't matter because the thing she really needs, the one she really wants, would rather pretend that she's nothing. It's fitting, she supposes, because she feels like nothing.

Even if she were to sober up, take a hot shower and eat something, it wouldn't make a difference. Sleep doesn't help, telling herself she can make it doesn't help. Even the alcohol doesn't help, but it makes her forget for a while, takes her out of herself, and that's the whole problem, isn't it? That she's Sakura. If she were somebody else, Kakashi wouldn't have left her, wouldn't have told her to forget everything and that really, he wants her to just leave him alone.

So fine, she'll do that. Maybe this is all she's ever meant to be anyway, the leftovers. The shattered girl with no hope of learning from her mistakes, because loving and losing Sasuke did little to prepare her for loving and losing Kakashi. Maybe she can't compare them because Sasuke died by her hand and if she really is honest with herself, Kakashi means more to her than Sasuke ever did, in all of the ways that count. Her life is a circle of being left behind and what kind of life is that anyway?

Not one for her.

Yeah, so this is it, she thinks, this is where everything I've ever done and everything I've ever learned doesn't matter. Tsunade's fire and Naruto's persistence and Sai's smile and Ino's laugh and Sasuke's revenge and Kakashi's strength, they all whirl inside of her, overtaking her and her nindo was to do everything with all of her heart, but her heart hasn't been hers for over a year now, ever since Kakashi looked at her, looked through her, saw her as a woman for the first time and she felt the burning want for him in the pit of her stomach. That single look had led to so much, to their friendship becoming so much more than that, to late nights sharing laughter and to learning about Kakashi's past, even if it had been a fight to get him to open up to her. She'd shared so much of herself too, so many things that she'd never even told Ino or Naruto about, and Kakashi has been her pillar of strength more often than he probably knew.

Then that night only weeks ago, the culmination of their feelings and the flirting and the lust, of what Sakura felt to be love. Well, on her end it was love, is love. She knows that it can't be helped, that she gave herself to Kakashi, and that isn't something that will go away. She won't get herself back from him, and besides she'll never ask for it.

This is defeat, this is Sakura Haruno giving up, and she can't quite care, at the moment, that it's cowardice and ninja live by the first and foremost rule of courage. She never had much anyway.

One last image flashes in her mind before she gives way to the blackness, one of Kakashi and Naruto and Sai, and they're smiling and waving at her but she turns from them, turns and jumps into the vast opening before her.

**oooo**

"What the hell?" Kakashi opens his front door to be pushed violently aside by Naruto.

"That's my line! And what the hell? I thought I told you to watch her, to take care of her! I trusted you!" Naruto slams his fist into the wall behind Kakashi's head.

"Naruto- " Kakashi is bewildered, and that's saying something because he's never supposed to be caught off his guard, at least not by Naruto.

"Didn't I tell you that she was slipping? Didn't I tell you that it was happening again? And you just let her, well thanks a lot, you sure do love her don't you?" Naruto shoves Kakashi, reaching for his collar as the door to the bedroom opens.

"Um...Hatake...is everything okay?" A large-breasted woman with long black hair, naked except for a thin sheet wrapped around her, emerges.

Naruto glares at Kakashi with disgust. "You...you bastard. She loves you and this is how you repay her? After everything she's done for you, after everything she's put up with! And you...you're pathetic."

"Listen Ruka, just go back to bed. " Kakashi says to the woman, making a scampering motion with his hand. "I'll be there soon. This is...work stuff."

The woman giggles. "Oooh, how important! Okay then, Hatake. Don't keep me waiting long." She giggles again, tossing her hair suggestively over her shoulder before shutting the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asks, but Naruto's head perks up.

"They found her. She's not looking too good...oh man, she's so cold...shit!" Naruto grabs Kakashi by the collar of his shirt, lifting him from the ground. "Are you coming or what? If she dies it's on you!" Naruto throws him into the wall, hurrying from the apartment.

**oooo**

"I'm afraid there's not much else we can do." Shizune says, covering Sakura with yet another blanket. "We have warm IV's going into her, a feeding tube, she's been cleaned up...as long as her temperature rises, she won't be in any physical danger."

Tsunade is standing at the head of her pupil's bed, her arms folded, her eyes unblinking. She's slightly paler than normal, but on the surface she's calm and collected.

Konohamaru, Naruto, Sai and Ino are huddled near the end of Sakura's bed, Ino making notes on her chart, Sai with his brushes out, painting the angles of Sakura's face against the harsh fluorescent light.

"She said something...something like he was the only man who had never let her down...that had never left her. I thought she was talking about you." Konohamaru says quietly, looking at Naruto.

"No..." Naruto says sadly, "no, I've let Sakura down before. Probably more than anybody else." And it hurts him because Sakura is one of the only people who truly loves him, who has always been there to come home to, and he wishes just once he could protect her.

"Then who was she talking about?"

Tsunade turns and strides out of the room, leaving without a word. Shizune looks worriedly after her. "She's really upset. There's no telling what she'll do." She says.

"Ugh, right? Kami willing she won't stampede past the genins again and scare them into a near coma." Ino says with a roll of her eyes, replacing Sakura's chart at the end of the bed. As if in response to Ino's word, they hear a BOOM some floors below them, a shudder running through the whole building.

**oooo**

_Shishou once said to me, "I have scars on my hands from touching certain people." I didn't understand then, really, but I do now._

She guesses it happened after Haku. Not that she had much interaction with Haku, but Haku was innocent and didn't have to die but he did anyway, he died for love and Sakura's eyes were opened that day, and it was the first time, she remembers, that she questioned her love for Sasuke. That didn't stop her, though, and she went on to make some mistakes and fell harder for him, which was all so pathetic, really, because that so-called loved disintegrated rather quickly when she saw, the first time after three years, the person Sasuke had become. Maybe he was really that person all along, and just needed the right regime of malice and bloodlust to come out. Regardless, after that instance, Sakura became more enamored with the idea of killing him rather than being with him.

She wasn't able to tell this to Naruto, really, but he had understood and as painful as it was for him, in the interest of Konoha's safety, he agreed that it was clear Sasuke wasn't going to return to his home, and therefore he was regarded as an enemy, an enemy that needed to be destroyed...

Sakura's mind is fuzzy with these thoughts, as she floats on the iciness of consciousness. She is so cold, still, even though she can feel the IVs in both her arms and the thick blankets tucked in around her body.

She catches snatches of conversation every few hours, sometimes recognizing the voices, sometimes not sure if anybody is really there talking at all. It's difficult to decide, really, if this existence is torture or not. She's being kept alive without actually having to do anything, and yet that's the whole problem to begin with. She's alive, still, she's alive and without Kakashi and that really makes her wish she wasn't.

**oooo**

"She isn't doing any better." Ino says, handing Tsunade Sakura's chart with a small bow.

"But she isn't doing any worse, either." Shizune chimes in, ever hopeful.

"She's given up." Tsunade says, handing the chart back to Ino without even glancing at it. "It isn't difficult to understand." She's been there, exactly where Sakura is, and she knows how crushing the blackness is, how utterly painful each breath can be. They can do everything they want from a medical standpoint, but the only person who can save Sakura is Sakura.

"When she got bad before...when we were all worried about her...it wasn't this bad." Ino says, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. "You'd think that it would've been worse then, right?"

"Well, last time she wasn't the one dying." Shizune says, glancing at Tsunade, who has taken up her usual position, staring out of the windows at the head of Sakura's bed.

"Yeah, but you'd think it would've been worse because...well, it was Sasuke!"

"Exactly." Tsunade said. "It was Sasuke, and she'd been planning to kill him. The difference is that Sakura hadn't planned on the being the one dying."

"But who's killing her? I mean, she's doing a good job alone, but- "

"Visiting hours over?"

Shizune and Ino whirl around, but Tsunade remains still as Kakashi enters the room, not sparing him a glance as he hesitates, then moves closer to Sakura's bed.

**oooo**

"Naruto- "

"Fuck. You." Naruto seethes as Sai and Konohamaru attempt to keep him from jumping at Kakashi.

"Cool it Naruto, will ya?" Ino says, slamming down Sakura's chart.

"No! Hell no! This bastard, this rat bastard, what is he doing here?"

"He's trying to visit a patient, obviously!"

Naruto laughs, high and unnatural. "Why? Come to rub her face in it or something? She could be dead and he wouldn't care!"

"You're the one who told me I needed to be here!" Kakashi says, throwing his hands up.

"I'm also the one who asked you to take care of her! You knew she was getting bad again, you knew that she was hurting!"

"I tried, okay? I tried to help her, but I- "

"All you've done is taken the broken pieces of her heart and made them into smaller, more manageable pieces!" Naruto says, throwing Sai off him. "And I'm sick of it. She's this way because of you, and you damn well know it. You know that she's in love with you, and you know that dealing with that on top of killing Sasuke- "

"Sasuke has nothing to do with this." Tsunade says. "This is about nobody but Sakura. Now get out. All of you." Her eyes are cold and dangerous and the only one she looks at is Kakashi, who can almost feel his blood run cold at her glare.

Naruto grumbles, but Ino smacks him on the head with her clipboard and ushers everyone down the hall with minimal threats.

"Do not make me repeat myself." Tsunade spits at him, her tone chilling.

"I can't leave and you know it. I have to do something, even if- "

"I think you've done plenty. Making my student and the best medic Konoha has seen almost kill herself is quite a lot of work...you must be exhausted."

"You have no idea how it feels- "

"Do you think I give a damn about you, Hatake? That I, or anybody else, care how you feel right now? You're a selfish fuck up who needs to learn boundaries, who needs to keep out of the lives of girls like Sakura, because all you do is ruin them. Look at her! She's going to die, I'm going to lose her! And all because you ran scared with your tail between your legs like the coward you are."

Tsunade's words hit like shuriken, but he can't argue with her. She knows him better, it seems, than anybody else.

"And yet...and yet she_ needs_ you. I don't think you even fathom to what extent." Tsunade slips her hand over Sakura's cold, limp one. "Sakura is like my daughter...she's my family and I love her. I haven't exactly shown that to her in the past, and I can't help but blame myself a bit for how she learned to cope with pain."

Tsunade gently pushes Sakura's hair from her forehead. It's a gesture of tenderness that Kakashi has never seen from her, that nobody ever has, as far as he knows. "So here's my offer, Hatake. Either step up, or get the fuck out of my village."

"And by that you mean- "

"By that I mean, and quite plainly, that if you won't give Sakura everything she needs, you need to disappear and give her a chance at life again. It won't be the life she wants, of course, but kunoichi usually tend to want the things that are the very worst for them."

"And if I try and I can't?"

"Don't play me, Hatake. We both know you can do it. Will you, is the real question. I know you love her, just like I know she loves you."

"And now you're giving me an ultimatum."

"Damn right. Take it or leave it. Sakura's life is already on your head, and you know this is something I can't forgive you for."

"Can't, not won't?"

"That too."

**oooo**

She smells him, his lingering scent of sandalwood and menthol, and his words slur with Tsunade's and she thinks she can hear Naruto, too, but the drip of her IV is so loud and her head swims in and out of bouts of fog.

The more she considers it, the more ridiculous it sounds, that Kakashi should be here. Well, here for her, anyway, because she's quite sure he has an obscene addiction to hospitals, as often as he's in them.

Kakashi told her that morning, that rosy morning with the sunlight soft and pale through the window shades, his back hunched and head bowed, that it was a mistake. That she was a mistake. He'd been drunk and so had she, didn't she remember? He'd never forgive himself, he'd mumbled, and he'd thank her to leave him alone, after this. Forget everything that had happened, and she'd be better off, in the long run.

So clearly, he has no interest in her, in her well-being, and she should have expected that. After all, she'd heard the rumors about him, about his legendary prowess and knack for sleeping with a woman and not calling her back, those sort of things, and still she believed. Still she believed that Kakashi could actually want her, could actually love her.

"You're so stupid." Sakura looks sharply to her left, or as sharply as she can. He's there, in all his brooding splendor. Robe open, pale chest sculpted like a marble statue, his features sharp and his eyes glittering and dark.

"Sasuke..." This is a common occurrence, actually. He visits her in dreams, or nightmares, but he's gone when she opens her eyes. He haunts her and Sakura wishes she could tell all of the genin to not take their roles as ninja lightly, because killing isn't like in the stories, and everybody you murder stays with you.

"I wish you'd stay dead." She says mildly.

"I think your kunai to my throat did that well enough." Sasuke turns, maroon seeping from his jugular. Sakura lifts her chin, thinking she really should have been cleaner about the whole thing, because there's a lot of ruined skin and Sasuke really did always have beautiful skin. "Besides, you know this isn't real."

"Fucking feels like it." She crosses her arms over her chest, leaning back into her pillows. She finds a loose stitch on the blanket over her lap, picking at it with her thumb.

"When you came after me, Naruto did too, right?" Sasuke asks, rather stupidly, Sakura thinks, because he knows well and good Naruto was there because Naruto was the one who held him as he died.

"Yes."

"And Kakashi."

Sakura looks up, confused. "No. Just Naruto."

"Naruto and you," Sasuke corrects, "_and_ Kakashi."

Sakura rolls her eyes. "Why the hell would Kakashi come? You weren't any of his business."

"But I was yours."

Sakura slams her fist into the deep mattress. "So? That makes no sense, Sasuke. Gods, you're rambling worse than you ever did when you were alive."

Sasuke snorts. "You're hanging around Naruto too much. He's clearly affecting your IQ."

Sakura glares. "Is there a reason you're even here?" Even if there isn't (and usually that's the case, but he's her burden to bear so she can't really complain, at least not too much) a reason, Sakura can't deny that it's good, familiar, to see him, to know that she hasn't entirely lost touch with her old life, her old self.

Sasuke rolls his eyes. "You're so stubborn. Even when something is right in front your eyes you refuse to see it."

"The only thing in front of me is an arrogant ass who lost his mind. And his gag reflex." Sakura gestures towards the gaping wound, and for a moment she allows a somewhat satisfied smirk to cross her face.

"Whatever you want to believe, Sakura, Kakashi did come that night. But not after me."

"You really have got to start making sense, Sasuke, it's bloody annoying- "

"He came after you, Sakura. Don't you get it?

"Right Sasuke, okay. Kakashi-sensei came after me. Even though I'm the Hokage's apprentice and have taken down more than my fair share of ninja, even though I am, and was, perfectly capable of- "

"He wasn't there because he didn't think you could kill me, he was there because he knew you would!"

"What- "

"Fucking hell Sakura, he was there because he loves you! Because he knew how hard it would be for you to deal with killing me off, he knew that I was as good as your brother! He knew you were going to need someone, and he wanted to be that someone."

Sakura laughs. Hysterically, and her throat is tight and her stomach clenching and maybe she snorts and Sasuke just stands there, looking at her like she's lost her damn mind. "Good one, Sasuke, good one. I never figured you for much of a joker, but man, that one had me going." She wipes a few tears form her eyes, gulping down air.

"I find nothing funny about that."

"But see, I do. I do Sasuke, because that's got to be the most amusing thing I've heard in weeks. You want to know what dear Kakashi did? He ruined me, Sasuke, he fucked me and then dropped me and I've never felt more insignificant."

"You're so- "

"Stupid. I know, don't you get it? _I fucking know_. But why am I stupid? Because I fell in love with him in the first place, or because I still love him? Or, possibly it's because there's nothing he could ever do, no matter how much he hurts me, that will change how I feel about him?"

"You're stupid because you think he's telling the truth."

"Sasuke, I really don't have the time for this. Or the patience. Why don't you go bugger off somewhere- "

"Ask him about that night. Ask him what it felt like when he thought he'd lost you forever."

Sakura can only look after him, as he melts into the taupe wall, grinding her teeth against the gnawing doubt in her mind that Sasuke might actually be telling the truth.

**oooo**

**x**

"You were supposed to protect her!" Kakashi screamed at Naruto, though he knew his words hadn't permeated. Naruto was sitting there, clutching at Sasuke's limp, lifeless body, while he did the same with Sakura's equally limp, lifeless body.

There was no pulse and her eyes- those fucking horribly beautiful eyes that always reminded of the deep green sea- wouldn't open, and fuck all if he'd never felt more panicked and lost and terrified in his entire life, never felt more like ripping his own hair out and he'd never noticed just how much he depended on Sakura's fire and her smile.

They say you never know what you have until it's gone, and holding her in his arms like that, he knew.

Kakashi knew he loved her, loved her with every fiber of his being, felt the need for her in his blood, in his cells. It was like Obito all over again, because Obito was the best friend he'd ever had but his stupid blindness had robbed him of what could have been, and Sakura was the only woman who'd ever turned his head and made him wonder if there was something to this whole giving a fuck about another person thing.

Sasuke was dead and his defensive blow might have taken everything precious away from him, and Naruto-

"I'm not sorry." it was just below a whisper, and his Sharingan snapped down to her, the faintest throb of her pulse just visible. Pressing his face to her neck, her skin wet with his tears and both of their sweat and her blood, he felt as though he'd never be able to let go of her.

**x**

**oooo**

Kakashi jerks awake, a crack of thunder pulling him from sleep. It's dark inside his cramped apartment, the air slightly cold and he vaguely wonders the last time he'd kicked on the space heater he uses to warm the place.

Another crack, and he's sitting cross-legged on his bed, new sheets put on because he couldn't get that woman's, Rena or whatever, atrocious smell off the old ones. He reaches across to his night stand, into a pack of open cigarettes, lighting one with a small puff of his breath and he inhales the sickeningly sweet menthol, and Minato would be smacking the shit out of him right now if he could see this, and Hokage's only knew what Rin would say.

He exhales, the smoke drifting toward the ceiling. He runs a hand through his hair, wondering how he can ever be everything- _anything_- that Sakura needs, because Tsunade's right and he loves her. He won't...can't...live without her. He had to face that possibility, once, last year when she and Naruto took off after Sasuke.

Had it really been a year? Yes, it's been one year and how time flies when you're fucking up not only your life, but somebody else's, too.

Another crack, followed by a pound, and Kakashi's brow lifts as he holds his cigarette between his index finger and thumb and heads to the front door to see what the hell is going on. The door slams open, and there she is, drenched in rain and it's a fucking monsoon outside, and Kami she's never looked more beautiful.

"Sakura..." He begins, but she flies at him (and really, she's been spending too much time with Naruto, his complete lack of manners are starting to rub off on her), his collar pulled taut in her small hands.

"Did you come after me?" She says, her eyes glassy and searching his and so fucking green it almost takes his breath away.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi asks, but he's just playing for time and they both know this, because Sakura knows him better than he knows himself and she can see through him like was made of water, of glass.

"Don't play me, Hatake." She says, and Kakashi fights a smile, because she is truly Tsunade's prodigy and that's comforting and terrifying at the same time. She releases him and swipes his cigarette, taking a deep pull off of it. "Did you come after me." It's not a question this time.

"Yes." He says with vehemence and he wonders how she knows. He's sure Naruto doesn't remember him being there, as the blond boy has never said anything to him about that day, and really Naruto's only concern then was coping with killing his best friend, and the only other one to see him was Sasuke.

Sakura looks at him, piercing him with her gaze, and lifts the cigarette to her mouth again with a shaky hand.

"You're not interested as to why?" He asks, thinking she probably needs to dry off and get into a change of clothes, but he knows Sakura is too stubborn to do anything until she gets what she wants.

She drops her hand and rubs out the cigarette on the nearest surface, an aging end table with rings on its top from beer cans, and slowly lifts her head. "Why did you say I was a mistake?" She's defeated again, her shoulders starting to shake.

"Because I was scared. I still am."

Sakura exhales the breath she's been holding. "Tsunade was right. You are a coward."

Kakashi shrugs, but doesn't deny this; Sakura knows better than anybody, really, that this is what he truly is.

Sakura brings her hand to her forehead. "There's something you need to know." She says, and goes to slip off her sandals before she realizes she isn't wearing any. "All I should want to say is' fuck you', and then I should get my ass out of here and never look back."

Kakashi's breathing starts to shallow at these words, and he's almost dizzy because he can't imagine what he'd be like without her, these two weeks apart have been more than enough to crush him.

"But," Sakura says, "I won't. I _can't_."

All it takes is those words until he's beside her, and she sinks into him and he kisses her, tenderly at first, but she's ardent and needs more, and her lips crush his, her tongue demanding entrance into his mouth, and by the fucking Hokages she tastes even better than he remembers.

They're a tangle of mouths and hot skin and her wet hair is all around them, his body reacting to her like it never has and never will react to any other woman, his arousal stiff and Sakura gasps as he pulls her up into his arms, her legs naturally wrapping around his waist, his cock pressed between her legs, her thin shorts the only barrier between them.

"Sensei..." Sakura moans, and her voice is inviting and begging, but he has enough presence of mine to stop, to hold her tightly and make sure she's looking him in the eye.

"This is it, Sakura," he says with finality, "this is the end. I'll never be with anybody else, and neither will you."

She stares at him for a long moment that's punctuated with the rain slapping on the roof and windows, and after she leans in to kiss him, much slower and gentler this time, there are tears trailing down her chin when she pulls away from him.

**oooo**

"You're everything and always have been." He throws at her as she towel dries her hair. He insisted that she take a bath, a long hot one, and to relax. He's also cooked for her, her favorite eggs (very over easy, because the runny yolk is her favorite part) and bacon (so crisp it's nearly burnt) and a tall glass of mango nectar (the expensive kind that she always wants but can never justify buying).

"I'll never want anybody like I want you." She replies, and his hand lingers at her hip and for a moment, just a moment, Sakura can see his vulnerability, and she wonders if he's been as hurt by the past two weeks as she has been. "You love me? You really do?"

"More than I ever thought I would."

Sakura smiles, and Kakashi almost loses his balance at seeing it again, and this is the final dotted i and crossed t, in his mind, because anything that makes Sakura smile like that can't be anything but right, "Then you get to tell Naruto about us."

**A thousand thanks to dazynl8 for her invaluable help on this one. Song used is You And Tequila by Kenny Chesney and Grace Potter. As ever, feedback is love.**


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